Coolest Indiana Jones-Related Thing I've Read All Day

Ok, so I'm not going to take up too much of your time today, 'cause you've all got a pretty big reading assignment. Go here and read the amazing 150 page PDF that's available for download there (if they take it down, gimme a ring and I'll recite it to you in a video or over the phone- I've got it memorized). (Or you can just read the blog you find at the link on its own, as the author, Mystery Man on Film, is a pretty durn good writer.)

What is it? Well, gosh, it's only a transcript from a story meeting between George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and writer Lawrence Kasdan from 1978 where they brainstorm ideas for their new movie starring Indianna Smith. Purely entertaining. These guys were idea machines, and they allegedly spent 5 x 9-hour days together hashing out the story for Raiders before Kasdan went off and turned the whole mess into one of the best blockbuster scripts ever written.

What you quickly learn: Lucas really was kinda the brains behind the operation. He comes across as a little bit controlling, but he knows exactly what he's after. And Spielberg, god bless him, keeps shooting out these ideas that Lucas hates... but if you've seen any of the first three movies, you'll know that they used 'em anyways, eventually.

All in all, a great way to spend hours and hours in front of your computer fooling everyone into thinking that you're busy at work.

Screenplay Report Cards: A Potentially Helpful Writing Tool

So I came across this in my travels along the information super-highway... It comes from scriptshark.com, a screenwriting resources website. It's basically a score card that bigwigs in Hollywood might give their script readers so they can evaluate a script based on how it might perform as a money-making property. So hey, if you've got a script you wanna sell, just make sure it scores "Solid" or "Excellent" in most of the categories listed.

Now, if you've had a minute to look it over, and you're anything like me, you might, at first anyway, approach this with a hefty dose of cynicism. Like, writing scripts is an art, man... What are we, robots? A script can be anything you want it to be, and shouldn't be judged so coldly, in such a shallow, calculated manner. Especially following such criteria specifically designed to gauge how much cash it brings in at the box-office. Like, that's just dirty, right?

But then I was reminded of Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation. (rent it if you haven't seen it, especially if you're working on a screenplay). In this film. Kaufman, a screenwriter, is portrayed as an "serious artist" with "integrity" who doesn't buy into any traditional script writing theories or ideas, as they tend to be formulaic and dull. But when he finds himself up against the wall, he actually swallows his pride and listens to the advice he's resisted for so long, and it actually helps him finish his script. It's worth doing the same when examining this score card. Oh come on, at least give it a shot...

In this case, yeah sure, you could look at this as further proof that Hollywood is populated by a bunch of greedy sell-outs looking only to make a buck. But really, think back to all the best movies you've seen. All the timeless classics, the popcorn blockbusters, the serious Oscar contenders, the lighthearted romances... All the best scripts would score pretty highly on this form. I mean, what are they really looking for, here?

"The script has a strong structural foundation that serves the story, classic three-act structure or otherwise:"

"Every scene has relevance:"

"The protagonist is sympathetic and/or engages our emotional investment:"

"The visual arena of the script is stimulating:"

I mean, these are all important considerations, no matter what kind of story you're crafting. You've only got an hour and a half or so for your story to play out, so it's important that it's put together in a way that works, that it makes sense, that your characters are somewhat interesting, and that there's always something cool to look at (it's a script for a film, which is a visual medium... kinda helps if you come up with some nice visuals). Even all the stuff that directly relates to marketing (lead role: easy to cast, demographics, etc.) should be considered by ALL screenwriters, regardless if you're making a quiet little indy film set in an elevator or the next Transformers sequel. Determining who your lead is and who your target audience are will go far in informing your writing. It's important that your audience really buys into what's happening onscreen... so, doesn't it make sense to think about who they might be? And if you know you're gonna be short on casting resources, be careful of the kinds of characters you write. Unless you personally know an 800 lb shut-in willing to be in your movie, good luck finding someone to play that role. Instead, just stick to writing characters that you might actually be able to cast with little trouble.

If all writing is just merely re-writing, then this score card can be a helpful tool for you to use when you're working on your 2nd or 3rd draft. Especially if you're new to screenwriting. It, at the very least, is asking the questions you should be thinking about regardless, even if you're convinced that normal story-telling conventions are total bullshit. If you've thrown a curve ball into your script, than at least have a good reason for it. Ask yourself the questions on this form, and answer confidently about each "questionable" or "unorthodox" decision you've made. It won't guarantee that your script will get sold, but it will help you understand what you've written much more clearly, and it will help you to be able to talk about it to people when they ask. And really, until it gets made, that's all you'll have in the way of getting your message across: the script in paper form and any accompanying notes. Just make sure your script ideas are as clear as possible, and that other people get what you're trying to say and why. Using this form will help you achieve that.

Mickey Rourke is good at acting but is crazy as shit

As much as I thought Mickey Rourke deserved and was going to win the Oscar for best actor, doubts begun to creep in about the time I saw him lurch across the red carpet to converse with the dude from American Idol about the multiple bits of jewelry he was wearing featuring pictures of his dead chihuahua, Loki.

You want to think that these Academy dudes & dudettes are going to vote on merit, but they're human, after all, and if they're committed enough to vote, they're probably committed enough to not really savour the idea of a shambolic mess in a white suit and shades going on and on and on for five minutes about how Eric Roberts is the greatest working actor, as he did in his Independent Spirit award acceptance speech. Jesus Christ dude.

I ATE TOO MUCH AT THE OSCARS

Urrrrgghhhhhh the Oscars were last night which means that, as predicted by, like, everybody, Slumdog Millionaire won practically everything. Nice job, England and India. And good for Danny Boyle, who looks exactly like Morrissey. Mike and Vanessa had a little Oscar shindig at their place, which was a lot of fun (until I woke up this morning with what must be a torn stomach lining). Here's a quick re-cap of our night:

- The Oscar show was really trying hard not to suck this year! Good for them, even if they didn't completely succeed. Grouping all the similar categories together was smart and (mostly) well done, and having the acting awards presnted by 5 past winners was pretty cool. Hugh Jackman's opening music number was brilliant and funny, even though all signs pointed to "indulgent." Even the red-carpet stuff was actually not completely offensive, but merely laughable. What sucked was that it still, as it always does, had the stink of big Hollywood bosses trying too hard to not come across as out of touch. The montages, as usual, were not necessarily informative or well cut together (with the exception of the BEST PICTURE montage). And while the changes mentioned above were great innovations, they were still often carried out in a way that suggests that the people behind their execution were still of the stale, clumsy old guard. Cues happened at awkward moments, and the flow was often disrupted for the sake of clinging to some sense of out-dated traditionalism. But I'm nit-picking here. In their defense, it must be a huge, daunting task to actually pull off the Oscars without a hitch. It's a live show, so I guess they did their best. Overall, it was enjoyable in a way that past Oscar telecasts were not.

- I brought over some Delissio frozen pizzas, which, when prepared correctly, are absolutely delicious (hence the name). Too bad I'm an idiot and refuse to follow the directions on the box. If it wasn't for Mike's vast expertise in the frozen pizza arts, we would have been stuck only eating the other 84 things that were available. To name a few: chips (various), popcorn (delicious stove-top AND Smartfood), Smarties, Rice Crispie Squares (basically the best food there is ever hands down no erasies), a really smart shrimp dip thing, jube-jubes, beer, wine, and a glass of water. When we finally rolled up to our apartment, I was unable to fit through the door frame and had to sleep in the hall.

- Some people made some jokes while the Oscars were on and they were funny jokes. Like for example, we made fun of this one English Slumdog winner who started thanking random people from a list, and it seemed that all the names he gave must have been made-up. So wee were like, "Morbo Slazdon, Chompy R. Figgles, Rowena Blingo-Blongo..." Ha ha, right? Well, I guess you had to be there... Oh, and a joke was made about how when all 5 previous Best-Supporting Actresses came out and how they were, like, going to hold all their Oscars together and be like, I dunno, Power Rangers or something. Really, really funny jokes. Real clever....

- Barbara Walters has fine-tuned her question-asking ability over the years... She is now like a robot that is designed specifically to find out what kinda stuff you are sensitive to and then to make you cry like a baby (somebody should actually program a computer to do this for an art project... have a computer assess certain personal info from the user with a series of questions, and then finally point the questions right at the tear-making parts of their brain. It would probably be on the cover of the Arts section of your local paper, for sure. anyways...). I was out of the room at one point, but when I got back, everybody told me that she basically came right out and plainly asked Hugh Jackman if he was gay. And he never said no... And then he teared up when she asked him if his father, the strict disciplinarian, was now proud of Hugh Jackman. She's like a vampire that feeds on the fragile emotions of the most insecure people around: Hollywood actors. Good for her!

- Ben Stiller was really funny. Only, I didn't even get the Joaquin Phoenix reference until someone explained it to me! I didn't even know that Mr. Phoenix had a freak-out on the Letterman show recently. And I found it funny nonetheless! That means that Ben Stiller is a comic genius for being able to entertain both those of us who have a sense of humour, and those that read perezhilton.com (no, I'm not going to provide you with a link. That's gross).

Did you watch the Oscars? At a friend's place with a bowl of Nachos, or alone with your 17 cats? Tell me all about your 81st Annual Oscar experience!

OSCAR WEEK OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED OH MY GOD

HAPPY FAMILY DAY! We hope that all of you with families are thinking about them or spending time with them. And for those of you that don't or aren't, well here's a blog post just for you, from your surrogate family here at thesubstream.com. Now, go clean your room. Also, why haven't you done anything with your life?

Moving on...

Holy crap, only 6 more sleeps 'til the Oscars! That's pretty exciting. I've put my winter blahs on hold, I've been out to see a million movies I wouldn't otherwise ever give the time of day (I'm looking at you, Rachel Getting Married) and I've been scouring the internet for some decent Oscar-shaped cookie cutters with which I will make Oscar-shaped cookies while watching Joan Rivers and her daughter set a poor example for my species on la carpet rouge during the Oscar pre-show. Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar.

This week we were going to bring you a bunch of boring videos on choosing the proper page fasteners for your script, but I put my foot down. I was real firm. Not on my watch, nuh-uh, not during Oscar Week. No way. I said, "Guys, come on. It's the Oscars for crying out loud. It's like movie-geek christmas...". Then, after rehearsing that for an hour in front of the mirror, I got ready to send Mike a text about it but as it turns out, he was already busy making his Oscar picks and planning on delivering his predictions and guesses to you, his adoring public, through a special video series to be presented during thesubstream.com's nightly news broadcast.

Staring tomorrow and continuing DAILY (yes, DAILY) all the way through Friday, we'll be bringing you our special Oscar Week picks and predictions so that you can finally WIN that Oscar pool at work. Just think about it... No-one will ever tease you again for being so out of touch with pop-culture, you loser. And won't it feel good to show up all those know-it-alls at the office who seem so obsessed with politics and the latest human-rights whatevers? I mean, being 'up' on current events is fine and dandy, but really, these days, all that matters when you bump into someone at the water cooler is whether you think Hugh Jackman will be hilarious or not. And whether Mickey Rourke actually deserves to win, considering he looks a bit like a mutant. And winning the Oscar pool will probably get you a raise and a promotion, too... Everyone will want to talk to you and be your friend. That cute guy in marketing might even invite you to go watch an upcoming Raptors game with him down at O'Houlihans Chuckle-House. After winning your Oscar pool, the world will be yours for the taking. ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE SO OSCAR SMART. Or at least you will be, once you watch all our edutational and infomating Oscar Week videos.

So stay tuned to thesubstream.com throughout the week and listen carefully to our resident Oscar expert, Mike "The Greek" Cameron. He'll put you on the right track as you make your Oscar picks. And if guessing the outcome of things is against your religion, then at least he'll make you laugh, as he has been known to be a little bit entertaining from time to time.

As for me, I've got some Oscar picks of my own to make (If you can't tell, I'm picking my nose! ha ha). And maybe I should finally get around to seeing Frost/Nixon or Milk. I wonder how many families are out at the theatres today? Only one way to find out, I guess..

GO JOE

I kind of started losing that giddy excited feeling about all of the big summer remakes and movie versions of treasured childhood IPs around the time I saw the first trailer for X-Men: The Last Stand, and it was gone entirely about 10 minutes into the actual film. It's a common malady, expectation fatigue I guess. I'd been let down too many times. To be a fan of something nerdy like the X-Men is to invest part of your own self-worth into the thing itself. I mean, when I was a kid I was a huge fan of Wayne Gretzky, but to be a fan of his is different. He was clearly the best, everyone knew it. If he had an off game and got the shit beaten out of him by Neil Broten, fans of Marcel Dionne or Theoren Fleury or whoever the hell wouldn't look at you with that raised eyebrow, that "you cheer for this dude” look, that same silent look my girlfriend gave me 10 minutes into Brett Ratner’s shitty X-Men movie.
“Look, the original comic was better, you have to believe me, it wasn’t this stupid-“ – never again. Never again would I have to mewl and equivocate and bitch and whine about how badly they screwed up some part of my childhood cultural experience. If I didn’t get excited, I couldn’t be let down. If I didn’t freak out in front of my wife when I saw a trailer, I wouldn’t have to explain myself six months later walking all sad out of a theatre. It’s worked for me so far.
But.
They found it.
The last thing. My last childhood love. They bought the rights and they’ve made the movie and I am freaking out, and I’ve told my wife. GI Joe.
Snake Eyes is going to be in a movie. I am going to be so incredibly disappointed. And I don’t even care.

Go and see Coraline

I'll be posting a video review shortly, but in the meantime, hear me now - Coraline is fantastic. It's kind of for kids and it's kind of for girls in the weird way that a lot of Neil Gaiman's stuff is, but it's absolutely stellar. All the more so as it seems that we're going to be deluged by even more CG animated movies this year, and it's the little imperfections, the human fingerprints that make Coraline so good while the Pixar crop seem so antiseptic. Go see it!